From an open heart

It has been a long silence again. This time it has been because I have had mainly only one thing in my mind and have not been ready to speak out about it. However, today I am going to write about it. Read if you dare.:)

Ever since Roope and I got married in 2002, we have dreamed of having children. Three of them, to be exact. However, we are not among those who were blessed with the possibility to have that dream realized the easy way. It has been a long and, in many ways,  lonely journey to live with that longing - yet never seeing the dream come true. That sorrow added to all the other hardships we had on the way... well, at times it has been difficult trusting the Lord that He is not allowing any of us more burdens than we can bear. However, so far, I have always found Him to be right, me wrong.

I have not hated the Christmas cards with baby pictures (you should know that many childless couples find them to be salt in their wounds), nor have I resented the company of the friends and families with children. That in itself is a miracle. And the fact that I have been able to work with children and youth all these years - well, I'd call that a miracle as well. I actually enjoy being with other people's children. But, I can admit, it hurts when someone says, "you can borrow mine when they are difficult." (and MANY have said it...) Let me tell you why that is such an awful thing to say. First, they would not lend their children for more than a couple of days anyways, and second, I want the whole package, not just the bad times. I'd take the hard and difficult days, the sorrows, the sickness, the fear, etc - but I want the love and happiness, being a family, as well. You maybe not wanting the thing other dreams of having, does not make it any easier. If it does anything, it makes it worse. If you do not want it but I do - why it is me who hasn't and you do have?  Blunt? Maybe - but true.

Hey, sorry, if someone gets offended. That is not my intention. But this is my blog, I may write whatever I think.

Ok then, I have been able to think about other things in my life as well - at least sometimes. But lately this has been the one and only thing really in my mind. For the reason that we entered the infertlity treatment process. The fact is that I am old. Old to have our first child, that is. Not TOO old, but not far from it. And we have realized that we do not have much time nor many chances to have a child.

These last months have been quite an emotional rollercoaster, due to the waiting, hoping, attempting, and disappointment - and not mentionig the effect of hormones injected. And the emotional whirlwind still keeps blowing.

Today is the 13+1 day of the twin pregnancy in our family.

I have felt nausea and uncomprehensible fatique during these first weeks of pregnancy. And I have experienced the most inconceivable joy and fear at the same time mixed with times of disbelief. I try to grasp a hold of hope and trust the Lord. Whatever comes, He is in control and knows what He allows into our lives. However, this one dream in my life has already come true - I am pregnant for the first time in my life.

I know there are many risks, many things can still go wrong. But I try not to choose the fear but trust. After all, I could choose to be afraid - miscarriage, stillbirth, cot death, falling down from a tree, motor bike accident... You name it! There will always be a million reasons to fear. However, there is one reason to trust, and He is called Jesus. Whatever, whenever, wherever happens, He is there. And He knows. And He carries us through. And it is not for the lack of prayers if something sad happens to those already much loved twins we are expecting! There are so many people who pray for us and them. (Thank you all!)

So, this is what I have had on my mind. This is what I have been thinking and not sharing all those years and months I never wrote.. Now I have said it, now you know.