... as you all see, I do not post here anymore. I do plan on having a new blog someday - but I want to make sure I'll be able to update it more often than I did this one. :D

Those of you who know me, I can be easily found in Face Book. Please, do not hesitate to contact and befriend me there if you wonder how I am doing.

A year... THE year.

Still quite small here -
the twins in a single babysitter.

It has been almost a year since the last post. The time has gone by so fast - and so slow at the same time. I have been busy, done a lot, accomplished very little and learned just to survive from moment to moment. The months have passed quickly, the minutes and hours - at times - very slowly...

The wonderful twins, named Vili Anttoni and Timna Karissa, are such sweet bunches of joy. They make every day worth living. However, it has not been an easy path up to this day.

First two months they spent in the NICU and we were there as much as we could. After we finallly got our whole family home, it was only some weeks that our much loved briard (dog) suddenly became very ill. We found out that he has suffered from a cancer (he had shown no signs what so ever) and there was nothing that could be done for him. So he had to be put to sleep. It had been less than 12 hours before his death that he had been barking and guarding the goats outside... The tears still fill my eyes, even now, as I miss him so much. Beni was the most amazing dog there is - and there has been times in my life that he has been one of the greatest reasons I thought I even should keep on living. Must sound strange to some, but that's how it was at one point.

Beni loved the twins. He stayed by them all the time.
Too bad, we did not know how little time he had left and did not take many pictures of them together.

The winter and early spring went as if in thick fog.

Vili was really ill and suffered from great pain in his stomach. It was really hard to watch him suffer when no help seemed to be available. I have mixed feelings towards the hospital and its staff in this issue. Some seemed to try to help and took us seriously. However, quite a few times I was treated as if I were just a tired mama who could not handle her baby's normal cry. Finally, they found out that Vili has severe milk allergy. It took too long to come to the conclusion, and Vili had stopped nursing (my milk had probably hurt him!) and was set behind in his physical development. He was so much behind that they suspected he might have CP! Since his allergy has been gotten under control, he has been catching up with great speed and an ultra sound of his brain showed no sign of any injury. The doctor who did the scanning was silent after the scan for quite a while and finally said, "this boy must have been terribly ill."

The more the twins learned to move
 on their own, the more they began
being in contact with each other. 

Timna never learned to eat from a bottle, so I have been breast feeding her all this time. She got home from the NICU with naso-gastric tube to help with her feeding, as she was still too weak to nurse all she needed. We also had an alarm system with us from the hospital so that we would notice if her saturation levels dropped while we were sleeping. She was very clingy and needed a lot of holding and carrying as well. So most of the time we both, Roope and I, walked around wrapped in a baby sling - one baby for each. Multiple times I have rejoiced of our country's social security system that allows dads also to stay at home for some weeks to take care of babies when twins are born.

I have not too many clear memories from that time - however, I am glad we have tons of pictures. :D

It was a HOT summer. Most of the days the twins spent naked or just  a diaper on playing on the floor .
 And they took their naps right at the same spot - as the best fan in the house blowed some air right there. :)

Summer came. It was one hot and lonely summer. Roope worked through it and I was stuck at home with the twins. We used to have two cars, but not so anymore this summer. So, I could not go anywhere and most people had already seen the "curiosity twins" and visitors became more rare. Everyone is so busy with their own life and we live far from everybody. The twins were fun to watch and I loved every minute with them, especially now that Vili was not ill all the time, they both had room to grow and flourish. :) However, there were times I could have used some adult company. I had to face the fact that even tho I know many people, and I have some people in my life I can call friends, they all either live too far away or are too busy... I have had to learn to survive with the feeling of being lonely.

In the middle of everything else, we saved five

great tit babies that jumped out of their nests 

because it was too hot there. First we tried 

putting them back, but they kept coming out,

so we took them in and took care of them

until a bird expert took them. All five survived

and were successfully returned back to nature. 

So that this lonely summer had not been too easy, we lost another of our dear pets. Our gorgeous Clydesdale mare, Clara, became wery ill. First it seemed she had "only" boils in her front hooves and an infection that could be treated. For 2 ½ weeks Roope took care of her day and night (luckily he was off the work)... trying to lower her fever by hosing her with cool water (it was an awfully hot weather that time), massaging her sore muscles, force feeding her flax seed porridge (to protect her stomach from the ill effects of the medicine) and rapeseed oil (to help her not to loose too much weight), cutting and carrying to her green grass and herbs so that she'd eat at least some, changing poultices in her hooves... Just to find out that she had boils in all four feet and those boils had destroyed her hoof structure in all of them in such way that there was nothing to do to help her. The day before it seemed she was getting her spirits up and she tried to stand a bit and go grazing... but it was just vain hope by the help of the strong pain killers. She had to be put to sleep. And I cry again writing this...

One of the last photos of Clara still alive.
With boils in her hooves, she had to be sedated so they could pull her down
and treat her hooves.
She was not able to stand holding one hoof up, so sore she was...
2½ weeks from this she was dead...

Our donkey, Pelle, cried after his best friend. The donkey watched this great horse being buried and stood at the yard calling to the direction of the grave for days after she had died. He became depressed and tried to come into the house. We had to work out something - and almost as if given by God, we found him a companion. Little pony called Lordi. The pony's best friend, a goat, also moved to us and they added some life to the yard. I have had too little time to befriend these new additions to our flock - I wish to be able to do more things with them as the twins grow a bit more.

At the end of the day - something still going on between the two
even the parents think they are ready for bed  in their night overalls.

In some ways this has been an awful and very difficult year, a lot of deep buried pain has burned my heart. The way the twins were born was traumatic, now I can admit it. It has been terrible to be treated as over-reacting when my child was truly ill. It was tiring to be needed by Timna so much that I could not leave the children even for a little while. It was heartbreaking to bury dear animal friends. It has been awful to feel so lonely.

Yet, it has been the most amazing year ever. I have survived all those sad and hurting things, we have overcome, we have stayed together as a family, we are alive and hoping for better times. And the most awesome two little creatures live in our house. The twins, Vili and Timna, are just amazing. They learn new things all the time and have so much fun doing so. Their smiles light up the darkest days - and even early mornings are fine with me, when they wake me up.

Vili enjoying dad's best babysitting tric:
a whole box of toys poured on a floor. 

One more story before bed?
Timna seems to ask

It could have been worse...

The twins were born November 29. at 0.58 and 1.00 AM. First was the boy, 1420 g, then the girl, 1485 g. There was no time to measure how tall they were at birth. After a few days they were 39,5 cm (the girl) and 40 cm (the boy). Babies were almost 2 months premature and will stay in NICU for quite a few weeks. That's the news. Wanna hear the long story? If so, keep on reading.

Our son, Vili, about 12 hours of age.

Our daughter, Timna, about 12 hours of age.

It was Friday November 27. when I thought I had caught a stomach flu. The day before I had visited the mothernity clinic in a local hospital. All was well with the pregnancy. My blood pressure was a bit high - as it had been during the whole pregnancy. Doctor gave me a prescription for the medication I already had used - now with a higher dose. Next appointment was to be after three weeks. So, I was not worried. However, I did call a nurse and told her my symptoms. She agreed that is sounded like a stomach flu.So I rested the day. In the evening I could eat again and the episode seemed to be over.

Next day I went shopping. I was feeling totally fine - puffy and swollen, yes, but that's how it had been for some time already.

Sunday morning came. It was the first advent Sunday when people sing "Hosanna" in churches here in Finland. We left for the morning service and after that went to eat out with my in-laws and some friends. When we got home, I had a little nap and left for a friend. We had what's called a "little Christmas party" here in Finland. Some women from the church gathered together to celebrate the Christmast time. All was just fine until it was the time to eat. I had nausea, but decided to eat little anyway. I blamed the lunch we had had and decided to pull it through without much hassle. However, my plan did not work; I ended up vomiting in the toilet and drew plenty of attention... Few people got really worried, I tried to assure them that I was fine.

During the evening I had said jokingly to an another pregnant woman, who was due in few days, "tonight is a good  night to give birth." I also worded my wish that our babies would not be born in December (as I am) - meaning that I'd hope them to make it to January... I guess one needs to be more exact in wording their wishes - you might get what you ask for. :D

While I drove home, I got a bit worried myself. A friend, who is a nurse, had been really worried about me when I left, so I decided to call another friend who is a doctor. She sounded a bit worried as well, but because I had no other symptoms but the nausea, she suggested that I'd just rest and if other problems rose (headache, problems with vision, upper stomach pain...), I should leave for the hospital. However, something - maybe it was the nurse-friend's worry - made me think of measuring my blood pressure. 209/119 was the highest measurement I was given - additional times gave me an error-message. That is bad. Really bad. So, I phoned the hospital. They told me to pack and come over for a few days, so they could follow how things are developing. I asked if we should hurry - and the answer was "no". So Roope took time to feed the animals and I packed some stuff taking my time. Right after I had called the hospital, phone rang; the doctor-friend had become worried and questioned about my blood pressure and was happy to hear that I was about to leave to see a doctor.

When we left, I vomited just before entering the car. Then the head ache began. A bit later I began feeling as if someone tightened a belt around my upper stomach. It was about 10 PM when we got to the hospital. When we got in, the nurse welcoming us took a look at me and seemed quite worried. First, we took the heart rate of the babies. It took a while to find the other one and I found no comfort even the nurse said it is normal that it takes a while to find the beat. However, babies' hearts sounded ok. They drew some blood from me, in order to run some laboratory tests. The doctor came at some point to check me. Blood pressure was still that super high. I was given some pills, which I vomited right after. So, I got another pill, chewable one, for the blood pressure. While waiting for the lab test results, the babies were checked with ultra sound. And they seemed to be ok.

After my lab results came, the doctor was ready to send me to the mothernity ward for monitoring. The mid-wife/nurse questioned her and suggested another set of lab tests. We were lucky that the doctor was the kind who can accept advice. They took another set of blood and we went into a dim lighted room to wait. My reflexes were over-reacting when tested. That, they told us, was not good. And we waited. And waited.

When the test results came, it was about midnight. The doctor told that we'd leave for a C-section right away. She returned to speak a few words with Roope while I was already wheeled in my hospital bed to the operating room. My husband was told that the babies were ok, they had nothing wrong. It was the wife who was in a life threatening situation... I had a massive pregnancy poisoning that had appeared and forwarded really fast. I was at the edge of cramping and it was not certaing that the veins in my head could handle the blood pressure and the operation... I had no clue that it was I who was at the edge of life and death. I was worried about the babies and could not figure why we had to go into C-section, as they had seemed to be ok. But I trusted my doctor and did not question their choises.

Before they began operating, I was promised that I'd be shown my babies - even only very shortly. However, that did not happen. I only heard the calls, "A-baby, 0.58, a boy" and "B-baby, 1.00, a girl". I heard how the lungs were suctioned and I heard both babies cry loudly... but not a glimpse... That was scary - they had promised...

But how wonderful can it be, when someone does more than required! The fairly young, male anesthetist came to me with his cell phone. He had gone after the babies, taken a picture with his mobile and showed me a photo of the two little tiny babies with hats on and people taking care of them. The photo was very small and the babies in it only a few millimeters... but they were my babies. No words can tell how much it meant for me that he had done such a thing! How did he even THINK of taking that photo?

I was then sewn togehter and taken into a intensive care unit in order to be monitored over night. Roope was given a chance to go and see the babies first and then he came to see me. He had been so worried - yet, he did not tell me yet, how serious it had been.

Early next morning I was told I'd be trasferred shortly to a mothernity ward. Around 9 AM, the doctor (the one who had taken the photo for me) came to see me and asked how the babies and I were doing. He took an interesting look at the nurse, when I answered that I had had no news about the babies yet. The nurse vanished quite quickly - and right after the doctor had left, she returned to tell that they had called NICU and that babies were fine. From that moment, it took about two hours and I was at the mothernity ward - and shortly after, I finally was taken (in a bed) to see the little ones.

Here you do not see the pause I had in writing... thinking of that moment... no words for it. *sigh*

Vili and Timna, 10 days old, together for the first time since the womb...

They were so small, yet they did not look as bad as I had feared. Actually, even with the puffiness and machines, they were the most beautiful little creatures in my eyes. Vili, our son, had a few monitors, cannulas and CPAP (kind of "whiskers" in the nostrils that provide pressure for the lungs to keep them open) to aid with breathing. Timna, our daughter, was doing a bit worse and she had needed a ventilator, the tube going through her nose into her lungs. But they were alive. They were beautiful. And they were being taken care...

It was only in that afternoon that I realized how close to death I had been. However, before that I had already heard that it could have been much worse. After the birth they had found that Timna's umbilical cord was attached to the placental membrane. That is something that could not be diagnosed before birth, as it does not show in a ultrasound... As fas as I understand, the worst case scenario is that the umbilical cord could have ruptured in the womb, meaning death for all of us. In the best, it would have hindered her growth and we would have ended in C-section before it was too late. Another chance yet is that the babies could have been full term and while giving birth the cord would definitely have been torn and Timna would have suffered from a serious lack of oxygen, leading to a serious brain injury.

So, I must humbly admit again, Someone knows better. And that Someone is watching over my little babies and He is able to take much better care of them than I am. I will do my share. My husband does his. The multitude of family and friends are supporting us and praying for the little ones. The hospital staff is working hard and doing all that is possible in the medical terms. But in the end, only God KNOWS and His choises we should trust.

Awful things to say to a childless woman, parts 1 and 2

Warm thank you to Anniina who added her thoughts to the last post and opened her heart as well!

Seems like I have this need to write out some things I have heard and experienced these past few years. Maybe it is a part of the process where I struggle myself out of the self-image of a childless woman - or maybe it is just a way I need to vent my feelings after so many years of keeping everything locked inside. Again, the aim is not to offend anyone, rather, to offer a glimpse of that reality some of us live in. Other people have other kinds of problems, but one can learn about those in other blogs. :) Mine is only a narrow view of life - but it is one true kind of view, among other views. My view is that of a someone who is married and childless, and whose husband agrees in wanting children... things I write about do not necessarily apply to someone who has not even married or someone who might have married a man who does not want children even if the wife does. Or someone who just thinks differently. And that's totally ok. However, here are some of my thoughts.

So, part one.Awful things a total stranger can say.

This happened a few years ago. I was spending an afternoon at a friend's house. Her mother-in-law dropped in to bring something, I cannot remember what it was. At first, she was ok, chatting this and that, everything seemed just normal. Then my friend's pre-teens walked inside and the lady asked me if my husband and I had any children. "No, not yet, at least", I answered. Now, having met me less than ten minutes ago, this woman began lecturing me on how I am too old to wait anymore, I should not be so career-oriented (?? As far as I know, she did not even know what my job is!!), nor should we think only about finances, etc. etc. I was stunned - for a little while. This time I succeeded in opening my mouth. I looked straight into her eyes, smiled and said, "You know, we have not been able to have children, as much as we have wanted to. And this is a very personal and very painful matter to me." She shut up. Did not apologize, but at least she shut up. My friend said later, that she was glad I had answered that way. This woman is known of her unthoughtful comments. Later on I have found her to be quite nice, and this incident has not hindered our communication, whenever we have shortly met. But it did hurt. It must have hurt more than I though, as I still remember it so vividly.

And what makes it worse, all those things she said are among the most common things people say when they gossip about childless couples in general. I happen to know quite a few couples that have been labeled selfish and greedy, because they did not "want" to make children - all at the same time as they have been spending a vast amount of money trying to get all possible help there is available to become pregnant.


Part two. The most awful thing a friend can say.

This incident is something that has hurt more than words can ever tell. Sure, I later received an apology and a plea to forgive and forget. Forget... I have not been able to. Forgive, well somewhat. :) And she knows it, I have admitted that getting over it will take both time and effort. This was said by a friend who at the time meant a lot to me. Nowadays she has dismissed me from her life for other reasons... but that would be another story altogether.

So, what is the worst thing one can say to a childless friend?

This person is a VOLUNTARILY childless woman herself. And she knew that we have been wanting children all the time we've been married. However, she always feels "left out" when her friends have children and they are not available to her to the extent they were before. So, she told me, blunt out, "I am praying that you will never have any children, so you will not leave me as well."

WHAT? So that I could be her friend, my husband and I need to have the greatest sorrow in our life I can imagine? She was not joking, she was serious! And what makes this all the worse, the word "pray" is not a casual word for her, used in exchange for hoping something, but she is a woman who is considered being a strong believer and a full-heartedly serving the Lord. So, she has been PRAYING against all our own prayers and hopes - to contradict everything we want and hope, so her will be done.

Sure, I know, such a prayer is not able to hinder God from doing His work. There have been many others who have prayed WITH us. But a friend saying such a thing... I have no words to express how deep of a wound that made in my heart. A few years passed and she told she had changed her prayer and she truly hoped we'd have children. I know she said what she did out of her own perspective. She felt left out, even life without children is her own choise. She feels her friendships do not "stay the same" when her friends have children, and she is unable to handle the situation - I guess it was her way to say how much she, back then, wanted us to stay friends. But there was no comfort for me in those words at that time; her (or anybody else's) friendship could never make up the loss I felt, if we could not have children.


I have been fairly lucky, maybe because I have also been relatively open about our situation, that not that many people have allowed this kind of frogs out of their mouth - at least not very often. Sadly, it is very common for childless couples to hear and face similar thoughts and words quite often.

So many of us know people who casually say, "now you have only the easiest part to do to  have a real family; make two children."  There are people who tell us animal-loving childless people, "you should make children, so you did not have to have so many pets." (And equal amounts of people think we will now give up all the animals when children arrive...) There are those who ask  you to be God-parents to their children with a remark, "as you have no children of your own, we thought you'd be able to spend more time with our child." At work you are told, "as you have no children, surely you volunteer to work during the holidays?" Your friends and relatives cancel already set dates (even with a very short notice) because someone with a child has told they'd come to visit just at that time - and "you would not want to disappoint the child, would you? Surely you understand, even you do not have children of your own?" These are just a few among many comments people so lightly make. If you see nothing wrong with such remarks, think again.

Another post on being childless - even while pregnant

Yes, the pets are our babies as well... :)

28 weeks of pregnancy already behind. Makes it all seem brighter, doesn't it. There is a good chance that the babies would survive, even if they were born right  now. And every day adds to the possibility that they would end up being just fine. So, I am glad and hopeful and we rejoice of the fact that our babies seem to do well.

However, I wish I do not sound bitter, I am having plenty of dissonant thoughts.

I am so happy and grateful for all the people who have really supported us and rejoiced with us about these babies. Especially with other mothers - old and young - I feel like I have entered some kind of amazing universal sisterhood. And it feels good, it sure does! However, at the same time there is this childless woman in me, no matter how pregnant I am. The childless-me ponders: "so this is what I have been missing out all these years..." And that part of me weeps with all the other women who still struggle with the process of whether they will have a child or not... and with those who already know, they will never have a child of their own. Of course, there are those who chose it to be that way, and that's ok. But there are so many who did not choose that fate.


With these thoughts I feel like I belong to two groups: mothers and unvoluntarily childless women. And at the same time, I feel I do not belong to either one of them. I am about to have two children - so, I do not dare to call myself childless. I have no clue what a woman has to go through after the final verdict, "you will never have a child", has been said. Nor can I enter the starry-eyed group of happy mom's who took it for granted that they'd have their share of babies. I am somewhere inbetween, with the other moms who have experienced the same: having a child does not heal you from being childless. As strange as it may sound.

Maybe it is because of this in-between-feeling that makes me somewhat touchy about some comments people make. So often I do not even find the words to answer their remarks (I know, it's hard to believe that I may end up being speechless :D at some situations...) and then I keep up entertaining the "should-have-said-dialog" in my head for days and weeks after.

For example, this one lady we know from the church, was very happy to hear we are expecting babies. We met her at a parking lot by a local store and she congratulated us fullheartedly. She knew about our history of wanting children for a long time, and she asked if these were IVF-children. That question is an easy one for me to answer, I do not care telling. Many find that question in itself offending. However, as I know how many feel about asking such a thing, I was not happy about the casual way she chatted about it. Right after she went on and asked us: "are the babies made of  your own stuff or did you use a donor?" I was stupified. WHAT KIND OF A QUESTION IS THAT? Yes, they happen to be made of our own "stuff", but even if they were not, did she really think I would tell it there and then to her??? That is not something you ask casually. That is not something you ask AT ALL. If someone wants to share, they'll tell you when they want. With a faltering tongue I just answered, "they are out of our own cells." My husband was more at the point, laughed and said, "no, we asked N.N. (a name of a common male friend) to help out a bit."

And since that I have thought of a million things I should have said. I should have told her how I felt and how one should talk to people who have gone through similar things we have. I doubt she will ever end up reading this blog, but in case I am wrong, I want her to know, I am not angry at her. I just wish I had told her (and doubt I will ever have the guts to go and do so anymore...), and to make up my failure to "educate" her, I share this with all of you who might read. :D

Järjettömän hyvä näkkäriresepti

Jotakin piti tehdä - ja tein näkkilepiä. Kauneutta niille ei siunaantunut, mutta uskomattoman HYVIÄ niistä tuli.

Tarkoituksena oli saada näkkärit valmiiksi ennen kuin Roope tulee töistä, mutta se ei aivan onnistunut. Luulin nimittäin Roopen pääsevän vasta tuntia myöhemmin, mitä hän oikeasti pääsi. :) No, tuoksu sentään oli jo vastassa, eikä kauaa kestänyt siihen, että ensimmäisiä leipiä rouskuteltiin. Kunnolla nuo eivät kyllä ehdi kuivamaan, tulevat nimittäin varmasti syödyiksi melko reippaaseen tahtiin.


Jos jotakuta innostaa kokeilla, niin tässäpä on ohje. Jostain sen pohjan löysin, mutta muuntelin sitä heti oman mieleni mukaan. Tee sinä samoin, jos siltä tuntuu.

Ruis-speltti-näkkileipä
½ dl sulatettua voita
1½tl suolaa
1 rkl juoksevaa hunajaa
2½dl kylmää vettä
1 dl speltti mannaryynejä
2 dl ruisjauhoja
3 dl vehnäjauhoja

Sekoittelin ainekset tuossa järjestyksessä muovikulhossa, ensin lusikan avulla, sitten käsin taikinaa vaivaten.Taikinasta tulee todella tiivis pallo. Siitä sitten vain kaulimaan todella ohkaisia levyjä. Itse yritin hienostella painelemalla muodon luun muotoisella piparimuotilla ja kuvioimalla pintaa lihanuijalla. 25 luuta ja koirille pienet maistiaiset, sen verran taikinasta tuli.

Paistaminen tapahtui reilu 220 asteisessa uunissa 7 minuutin ajan. Sitten jäähdyttelin leivät korissa avoimen ikkunan äärellä (kun oli kiire päästä syömään).

Näitä söi isäntä, näitä söi emäntä ja koirat valuttivat kuolaa (ja saivat maistiaiset) kohtuullisen paljon vieressä.

Blabber...

It was snowing this morning. Actually it would have been really beautiful - if I just could have enjoyed it. We have quite a few things we still need to get done outside before the winter comes in its full force, and therefore I spent the morning hoping it won't snow too much and that the snow would not stay for too long.

But it WAS a beautiful morning. After a while the snow stopped falling and we went outside to take care of the animals and to do a few other things. The light was amazing and I even thought of getting the camera out - but it was only a thought. The chores took over and I forgot about admiring my surroundings. In the afternoon, however, the camera finally got out, as we saw a woodpecker doing her job in a nearby birch. The tree she was working on is one of the high nearby birches that were scorched by lightning last summer.

As I was guessing the last time I wrote, the days at work were almost done. On the 25. week of pregnancy the doctor wrote me 1 ½ weeks of sick leave because of sciatica (I guess that is the right word for this kind of pain in my back) and contractions. The latter have not been very painful nor very strong - however, they clearly come always after I have been up and about too much. After that 1 ½ weeks I had another doctor's appointment - and that doctor wrote me off work until the mothernity leave begins. The reasons still being the same and adding high blood pressure to the list. Other than these minor problems, everything is just fine.

On Saturday evening I had a chance to go and listen to VIP  (their myspace page, if youd' like to listen something) playing at Ilmajoki, a small city some 40 km from us. It was nice to see Roope and his band on stage after a long time. So many times they have had their concerts so far away from here that I have had to stay at home - or I have been working if they have played nearby. I must admit that I do really enjoy their music. Even I DID feel a bit old there among all the young people. Hey, it's hard to admit, but I surely am not anymore among the target audience of a youth event...

Nowadays I do very little. If I try to accomplish too much, it is felt as a pain in the evening and the next day. So I try to get things done VERY little at the time and try to forgive myself for just resting and napping and resting some more. Such life allows one to do a lot of thinking. However, most of the thoughts circle around the babies and the things they need. I am becoming very boring regarding the topics I entertain in my mind...

Today

September morning 7.30 AM - I was going to work and the morning fog made everything beautiful.

 

First of all, THANK YOU everyone for all the comments and thoughts you have shared with me. I was surprised to find out how many people actually DO end up reading this blog. Thanks for the e-mails and honest sharing. We really do not know that much what happens in people's lives, do we? I feel honored that so many shared their thoughts in private mails with me after the last posts! Thanks for the comments here as well. :) They are equally valued.

And then a message to -J-
Jos tänne joskus uudelleen eksyt ja koska olet varmaankin se ihminen, jonka luulen sinun olevan, niin olisin todella ilahtunut, jos joskus kuulisin sinun elämäsi uutisia. Siitä on jo todella kauan, kun viimeksi kuulin sinusta mitään. Toivottavasti kaikki on hyvin ja olet onnellinen! Minut löytää täältä ja Facebookista ainakin. :)


Now, today's news.

I must admit that I count days and weeks. Full 24 weeks of pregnancy is behind just today. I feel like a medium size elephant and expect to grow into a full size blue whale. However, I have been doing really well and have been able to keep working. Until last week, that is. Twice there has been a day that I could not even stand, let alone walk, well without pain. Both times the previous day was a long day with lot of standing. Seems like my days at work are almost done for now. Today I have a day off, that is brilliant.

I wish I could tell about many things I have done lately. Maybe share a few deep thoughts I managed to dig out of my brain - but I can't. I am all about being a pregnant woman, thinking of the two babies growing inside. I find it a bit disturbing that all my thoughts linger around this one and only topic, all my worries have to do with how we'll manage our lives with the babies, how shall we run things and how will it be.

As there isn't much that I can think of saying. Let me show you some pictures of our life. Hope you see something you like!

Roope had a true dream holiday this summer. He had this... eh, is it a backhoe?... machine for two weeks and was able to dig holes, move dirt, and do, well, all kinds of things in our yard.

Thank you IKEA for making green cribs - I did not have to paint them. We bought these and some other stuff on our trip to Southern Finland this summer.

We bought the cribs for the babies - but the cats do not agree.

Just wanted to show you this. Iguana and cats speak the same language. Hissing sound and wobbling tail means the same for both. So there is mutual respect as they roam around. :)

And when the summer comes to its end, myriads of these flying ants come and fight each other for their lives. Why? Have no clue. Everything white is covered with them. Their wings together make it sound like it was raining.

This is our donkey, Pelle. We all take it easy here. :)

From an open heart

It has been a long silence again. This time it has been because I have had mainly only one thing in my mind and have not been ready to speak out about it. However, today I am going to write about it. Read if you dare.:)

Ever since Roope and I got married in 2002, we have dreamed of having children. Three of them, to be exact. However, we are not among those who were blessed with the possibility to have that dream realized the easy way. It has been a long and, in many ways,  lonely journey to live with that longing - yet never seeing the dream come true. That sorrow added to all the other hardships we had on the way... well, at times it has been difficult trusting the Lord that He is not allowing any of us more burdens than we can bear. However, so far, I have always found Him to be right, me wrong.

I have not hated the Christmas cards with baby pictures (you should know that many childless couples find them to be salt in their wounds), nor have I resented the company of the friends and families with children. That in itself is a miracle. And the fact that I have been able to work with children and youth all these years - well, I'd call that a miracle as well. I actually enjoy being with other people's children. But, I can admit, it hurts when someone says, "you can borrow mine when they are difficult." (and MANY have said it...) Let me tell you why that is such an awful thing to say. First, they would not lend their children for more than a couple of days anyways, and second, I want the whole package, not just the bad times. I'd take the hard and difficult days, the sorrows, the sickness, the fear, etc - but I want the love and happiness, being a family, as well. You maybe not wanting the thing other dreams of having, does not make it any easier. If it does anything, it makes it worse. If you do not want it but I do - why it is me who hasn't and you do have?  Blunt? Maybe - but true.

Hey, sorry, if someone gets offended. That is not my intention. But this is my blog, I may write whatever I think.

Ok then, I have been able to think about other things in my life as well - at least sometimes. But lately this has been the one and only thing really in my mind. For the reason that we entered the infertlity treatment process. The fact is that I am old. Old to have our first child, that is. Not TOO old, but not far from it. And we have realized that we do not have much time nor many chances to have a child.

These last months have been quite an emotional rollercoaster, due to the waiting, hoping, attempting, and disappointment - and not mentionig the effect of hormones injected. And the emotional whirlwind still keeps blowing.

Today is the 13+1 day of the twin pregnancy in our family.

I have felt nausea and uncomprehensible fatique during these first weeks of pregnancy. And I have experienced the most inconceivable joy and fear at the same time mixed with times of disbelief. I try to grasp a hold of hope and trust the Lord. Whatever comes, He is in control and knows what He allows into our lives. However, this one dream in my life has already come true - I am pregnant for the first time in my life.

I know there are many risks, many things can still go wrong. But I try not to choose the fear but trust. After all, I could choose to be afraid - miscarriage, stillbirth, cot death, falling down from a tree, motor bike accident... You name it! There will always be a million reasons to fear. However, there is one reason to trust, and He is called Jesus. Whatever, whenever, wherever happens, He is there. And He knows. And He carries us through. And it is not for the lack of prayers if something sad happens to those already much loved twins we are expecting! There are so many people who pray for us and them. (Thank you all!)

So, this is what I have had on my mind. This is what I have been thinking and not sharing all those years and months I never wrote.. Now I have said it, now you know.

Easter thoughts

We have been to the church twice this Easter weekend. Those who know us well, understand that it is a piece of information worth sharing. :)


On Good Friday there was an evening with drama and music presenting the passion of Christ. The story ended with the Lord hanging on the cross, leaving everyone waiting for the glorious morning of the resurrection. It was a nice way of telling the story. The Christian in me enjoyed every moment and was especially moved by seeing people in the audience being touched. The theater critic in me thought of about a hundred minor things that could be done to improve the play a bit and I began thinking, maybe I'd like to be part of the directing crew next year. However, all in all, it was a fine evening and I was glad we went.

On the Sunday morning we went to the church again. Fine service, I must say. The choir sung well (my husband suffered a little because of the out-of-tune-grand-piano, but my not-so-musical-ear did  not even notice), the pastor delivered a good message from his heart and after the service we had some lovely chats with lovely people.

One thought lingered with me from the sermon. Actually, it was not anything that was said, quite the opposite. It was a truth that was NOT said. The pastor mentioned the doubting Thomas who did not believe the testimony of the other disciples about the risen Lord. We all remember Thomas saying, "if I do not touch the wounds in his hands and feet and his side, I will not believe." The pastor went on to tell how Jesus appeared to Thomas and he was allowed to touch those wounds and when touching he believed and so on.

Well , I thought, ALMOST but NOT QUITE so! Thomas COULD have touched the wounds, but nowhere does it say he did. He responded to Jesus' appearing with a statement of faith, "My Lord." And Jesus says to him, "Because you SAW, you believe." We do not do justice to Thomas when we call him "the doubting one". None of the other disciples believed either before they saw!

To me this is important and speaks of the fact that we are SO WRONG about what we need to believe. We might set down stipulations for the Lord to fulfill saying, THEN we'd trust and believe. Yet, we have no idea what is really needed to trigger faith in us. Thomas wanted to believe, but couldn't. And Jesus did whatever was needed to help him. But it was not what Thomas had thought.

This ties into another thought, about how little we know about ourselves; namely, the amount of suffering we can bear. We are told in the Bible that we will not be tried to the extent that we cannot handle it anymore. How many times have I found myself saying, "I cannot take it anymore" or "If THAT happens, I will not survive"? And just about as many times I have been wrong. Things happened, the greatest fear was realized - and here I am, still alive, still His child.

In the end, it all boils down to a few things. First, the Lord is willing to do whatever is REALLY needed to make us able to believe. Second, no matter what happens, we will not believe if it is not in our heart already that we are WILLING to trust Jesus. Third, the Lord knows better than we do what we need and what we can handle. So, why not trust the Good Lord?

About accepting love

Let me share some things that happened last week. I have been blessed beyond measure as God has showed me again that He is interested in our lives to the smallest detail.

In the beginning of the week I shared with my husband my fear that I might get so caught up with all the daily routine that I will drop the card-making (and other crafts) I so greatly enjoy. I have been so happy lately that I have had time to do some things with  my hands and I was afraid that I'd loose that again. I was hoping to be able to get some craft tools and stamps to keep up the desire to make something - but realized soon that there is no way I could buy anything at present time.

It was Wednesday evening, I think, that I got an amazing e-mail. I have promised not to share details, but I hope the person does not mind me telling this much... Someone I do not know at all had gotten it to their heart that they wanted to send me some paper crafting material if I was willing to receive it. Sure I was willing! I was stunned. God had given it to a someone's heart to send me things and they wanted nothing in return. Two packages arrived last Monday and they were filled with the exact thing I had been hoping to have... Amazing. God cares about my desire to do paper crafts! I just pray this person will get manyfold blessings from our Heavenly Father in return.

As if that alone had not been enough, something more took place. I thought this kind of things happen only in movies. :) On Thursday evening I got a phone call from a friend who asked if we, my husband and I, were willing to leave on a weekend trip next morning, all expences covered. They told me they had organized someone to take care of our animals and we would not be told where we were bound before we got there. I asked who was coming to take care of the animals and heard it was my father-in-law. After that we were glad to say, "Sure, we'll go!"  We were to pack clothes for being outside, staying inside, for shopping or such, and later at nigt got an SMS saying we should pack our bathing suits as well.

Next morning we were picked up by two friends and the journey began. It was some exciting hours for us -and we ended up in Turku where we were taken to the Holiday Club spa Caribia. Just before we got there, we received an envelope and inside there was a fairly large sum of money. "Stunned" does no justice to the feeling we had. :) We had a room in the hotel reserved for us and our friends told they'd pick us up on Sunday at noon.

We had a great weekend of realaxing. We spent money on pampering ourselves, had some great meals, swam hours in the multiple pools etc. We loved every moment and felt more than blessed. We could not believe that this kind of thing was happening to us!

This goes beyond understanding just as it is. Even more so it was because in less than two weeks ago, Roope and I had been talking that we would LOVE to be able to go and spend even one night in a spa like that. But counted that in present time there is no way we could afford it. Later we heard another thing that proved again how God takes care of the details. My father-in-law had not accepted an invitation to visit a church he every now and then ministers to... and did not know why he denied it. He understood later - he was not going there because his ministry this weekend was for us. Makes one feel humble...

One would think this is more than plenty of blessing for one person/couple. But when God pampers, He does mighty good job in doing so. We got home on Sunday evening. My friend gave me a bunch of flowers and said, "Sorry and thank you." SORRY??? SORRY FOR WHAT?? For giving us so much? She didn't tell, just smiled...

When we opened the door, we realized that someone has been doing a whole lot of cleaning in our house.  Had my mother-in-law been there as well? Had my father-in-law been cleaning all weekend? We could not figure it out, so we made a phone call. We were told to take a look into our fridge and freezer and storage cupboards - all were packed with all kinds of food! Some ladies from the church had been in the house on Friday and they had been cleaning and bringing all that stuff.

We spent that night feeling blessed. And I understood the "sorry" as well... because it WAS humiliating thinking that someone had been in the house and seen it as it was... And it was humiliating thinking that people had seen our need of help... Humiliating to think how much people had given for us and we could not give nothing in return.

Accepting help is not the easiest task to learn!

We spoke about it a lot. About how difficult it is when we do not know who all have been part of making this weekend this special. There is a deeply rooted need in a human being that we'd like to survive on our own or at least to "pay back". Just accepting grace is the hardest part. It is so in relation to the salvation that comes from God by grace through Jesus. It is so in relation to accepting help and support from people. It is so when we just receive blessings that are more than "reasonable".

It would be so nice (to our human pride) to have the blessings in a way that we did not have to depend on anyone. :D But that is not how the body of Christ works... We ask for help from God - and our need is exposed to His people.

In the end, we just have to allow God to love us and use people to do so.


...and even if we cannot pay back to the same people who gave US the blessing, there is no rule that tells we couldn't make the blessing go round to some other direction!

My first attempt on Easel Card

The other day I went through some boxes that have been storaged for some years. I found a card with a poem that I thought I'd like to scrap or something. It became that "or something." I found a Magnolia challenge and there people were asked to make an easel card. I had never made one, but decided to pick up the challenge.

About the poem, I did not remember ever even hearing the whole thing. I had gotten a small book mark from a friend (and I bet he does not remember giving it any more than I remembered having it!) back in 1995! If you cannot read it on the card, this is how it goes:

God made the world with its towering trees,
majestic mountains and restless seas,
then paused and said, "It needs
one more thing -
someone to laugh and dance and sing,
to walk in the woods and gather flowers,
to commune with nature in quiet hours."

So God made little girls
with lauhging eyes and bouncing curls,
with joyful hearts and infectious smiles,
enchanting ways and feminine wiles,
and when He'd completed the task He'd begun,
He was pleased and proud of the job He'd done.
For the wold when seen through a little girl's eyes,
greatly resembles Paradise.

-author unknown-

Kortti kahteen haasteeseen

Roope oli päivän uppopalloturnauksessa Kokkolassa  ja ehdin sillä välin väsäämään kaikenlaista. Myös tämän kortin ehdin väkertää. Ajattelin yllättää äitini lähettämällä pääsiäiskortin hänelle. Siinä on tosin riskinsä; minä en ikinä lähetä pääsiäiskortteja ja vanha äiti saattaa säikähtää niin, että sydämestä ottaa... :D

Tämä kortti tuli loppujen lopuksi hieman turhan täydeksi omaan makuuni, mutta menkööt. Haasteet, joihin sen ajattelin laittaa on Magnolia haaste #8, koska siihen sen alunperin teinkin. Takaraivossa oli kuitenkin muistikuva Leilan värihaasteesta # 30 haasteesta: Tyttö kevään väreissä. Kevään väreissähän tämä tyttönen on, eikö?

Pilkut ja pallot - p*skarteluhaaste

Päätinpä nyt sitten osallistua toiseenkin haasteeseen. Tuollainen siitä sitten tuli.

Katsotaan, jos muutkin haasteet vielä innostaisivat... Nyt olisi siihen jopa vähän aikaakin... :)

Arkkikaupan haaste #2

Surffaillessani nettiä, törmäsin Arkkikaupan haasteeseen.

Sattui olemaan tarvetta erään vauvan pakettikortiksi ja haaste oli tagi, joten päätin kuin päätinkin osallistua. Samalla tässä tulee sitten jonkinlainen postaus tänne blogiinkin, joka muuten tuntuu olevan lähes käyttämättömänä...

Joten, pitkästä aikaa, vääntäydyin askarteluhuoneeseeni ja potkin romuja pois tieltä mennessäni. Ihan ok tuosta tagista tuli. Ikävä kyllä kuvasta ei näe, miten sekä leppis että sudenkorento ovat päällystetyt Glossy accents -aineella. Ja ikävä kyllä, kuvasta näkee vellumin takana olevat teippityynyt, jotka luonnossa eivät näy ollenkaan noin hyvin.

Pikkuinen riimi (siltä varalta, ettette saa selvää), kuuluu näin:
With a dragonfly kiss and a ladybug hug,
sleep tight, my little one, as a bug in a rug.

Vielä vähän tätä vuotta...

Tämä blogin pitäminen on jäänyt lähes täysin - eikä varmaan juuri kukaan täällä enää vierailekaan, kun ei luettavaa ole ollut. Mutta kirjoittelen nyt kuitenkin, tässä vähitellen menneisyyteen nilkuttelevien joulunpyhien päätteeksi. Huomennahan on taas aika mennä töihin.

Edellisen merkinnän jälkeen on tapahtunut paljon ja samalla ei mitään. Ehkä juuri siksi, että itselle merkittävät, tapahtuvat asiat ovat niiiiiiin henkilökohtaisia ja syvältä koskettavia, ei tule julkaistua ajatuksiaan. Ei kaikkea kuitenkaan voi jakaa kenelle vaan.

Pidän täällä itse itselleni peukkuja ja käsiä kainaloita myöten ristissä, että joskus lähitulevaisuudessa alkaisi aika, jolloin jaksaisin kirjoittaa enemmän. Aika, joka liikuttelisi sisimmässä ajatuksia, joiden julkituleminen olisi mielekästä...

Mutta nyt se aika ei vielä ole tässä.

Joten.

Mutta silti vielä eräs juttu.


Olimme Roopen kanssa jouluaattona pukkina ja muorina kiertämässä muutamassa kodissa. Yleensä pukki näkee vain yltäkylläisyyden täyttämiä koteja. Meillä oli etuoikeus nähdä pari muunkin kaltaista, sellaista, missä taloudellisista syistä ei yleensä pukkia käy... ... ... Tulin kosketetuksi syvältä.

Joulu on epäreilu. Onneksi Joulun Sanoma ei sitä ole, vaan on tasavertainen kaikille.

Siunattua päivää sinulle, joka tämän ehkä sittenkin kävit lukemassa.

My stamps/leimasimet

I finally got my stamps photographed - just to make sure I know what I have. :) It was sad to realize that I have lost some of them on the way while lending them to various people... Always should write down who borrows what, so that they'd all return... ... ...

Elipäs kuvasin leimasimeni. Kauan olen sen aikonut tehdä, mutta tekemättä on jäänyt. Surullista oli huomata, että osa leimasimista on jäänyt lainausmatkoillaan sille tielleen. Erityisesti jäin kaipaamaan kirjamia, jotka kuuluvat omistamaani numerosettiin. *Huokaus* No, nyt nämä ovat tässä ja tästä lähtien otan "tämä lainasi nämä"-valokuvat ihmisistä ennen kuin leimasimet lähtevät minnekään. :D

Jos joku haluaa tehdä leimakuvavaihtoja, niin voipi rohkeasti ottaa yhteyttä.


Those who attended our wedding might remember the hugging dalmatians. :) And on this photo there are those numbers that lack their alpha nowadays...


These clear ones are bought from Tiimari:


The alpha and the different animals that are stamped on the paper are stamps I bought from LIDL. As you can see from the animals, the quality is not too good... However, these ones I do not mind letting visiting kids have to play with.




The large cup is my favorite stamp. I have made quite a few of such cards where the cup is samped on the front on a separate piece of paper and then cut open so that it forms a pocket. A single-packed teabag is then slipped half-way in and some suitable text added.


My ½ of a set we ordered with a friend to split it.



Some cute stuff, mostly from the time I still studied at CTS. Tina Twedell taught me (and many others) the art of stamping and was the person who aided us to order our own stamps from the States. Some of the stamps are from Finland, however.


Large ones here... as you can see, I have used some of the blocks to make "stamps" of my own to some projects... I adore the Ark. :)

Tiimari had these foam ones for sale. For 40 cents I just had to buy them!



A few more quite large stamps again. The one in the middle right is the one that had the tree on the other side. I really liked the envelope stamp on the catalogue, but it has proven to be a hard-to-use.


Little foamstamps that I found in a small shop in Brussels, Belgium. Long time ago. And on the top right, a very tiny Hello Kitty-stamp. :)


Stitches-stamps that came with a magazine...



Travel- kit I REALLY like and have used for many various things.

LORUPUSSI

Tämän tein tänään - veljen lapsille lähtee. (Älkääs näyttäkö tätä niille vielä!!) Pitäisi vain saada kuvat joko laminoitua tai päällystettyä kontaktimuovilla ennen lähettämistä... Tai, no, rehellisyyden nimissä on sanottava, että PUSSI on ihan IKEAsta ostettu, mutta kortit tein itse ja lorut hain joko netistä, omista varastoistani ja jonkun jopa riimittelin aivan itse.

Paljon muutakin kivaa olen lomalla väsännyt - saimme nimittäin vihdoinkin askarteluhuoneeni käyttökuntoon (valmis se ei ole vieläkään...)! Repäistiin se samalla vauhdilla kuin edellisen asuntomme remontti vedettiin loppuun... Nyt siellä on muuten sitten vihdoinkin vuokralaiset. Ihmeiden aika ei siis sittenkään ole ohi. :D Laitan kuvia siitä rempasta tässä joku päivä - onpahan ihmeteltävää teille, jotka sen kämpän joskus olette nähneet. Sitä ei nimittäin meinaa samaksi uskoa.

Lomasta on viimeinen viikko menossa ja Roope sopivasti kuumeessa sen kunniaksi - pakkolepoa siis. Näin se on sitten yksi kesäloma lusittu ja seuraavaa jo odotellaan... ... ... ...

Too long...

I admit, I should have been updating the blog more often. I bet everyone and anyone who ever used to drop by has stopped doing so... :/ But here I am anyway. Maybe people will find their way back.

Let me make a quick wrap-up.

Lotta, had five lovely puppies on March 3.. Everything went well and four of the dogs have found a new home. We kept one and chose that one only by the looks right after birth. She is the crazy one... Lesson learned? Yup, do not judge only by the looks. :D

I had my wrist (canalis carpi) operated just before summer. It is a million times better now and whatever pain is left, the medicines help for that. It still is not perfectly well, but I am more than happy with it.

Summer has gone by. We have had some lovely visitors. Including my mom and her "boyfriend", my dad and his wife, my cousin with her children and our aunt, and Kaisu - my dear friend. Of course there has been many others, however they are not that rarely seen, so I do not mention them now.

AND even if the summer in most parts is over, here comes great news (I think): today was the second day of my (and Roope's) SUMMER HOLIDAY. Yippee! We have too many things we need to get done and too many people we should see and too little time to do it all... however, it is the holiday and I really was in the need of one.


To end this post, let me add a scrap book page. It is NOT made by me, but I took it out of Scrapbook Flair. A person called Broody Hen has made it. But my heart screamed "YES" to the message.

It has been a nice day today; we've had some friends visiting. First, Lasse Niskala, Roope's very good friend is staying with us for the weekend. He is a great photographer and he took some pics of our animals. The photos on this post are taken by him. (take a look at some of his phenomenal photos HERE )

Then Roope had his bass-student over and his mom came to have a chat and a cup of coffee in the meanwhile. They are our neighbours and have stables with 14 (I think that's correct number) Islandic Horses. She is really nice and it was fun having her over.

In the evening a whole family of friends joined us; Suvi and Jussi came over with they daughters Ronja and Meeri. Sauna, friends, and a good meal - can you think of a better way to spend your Friday evenings? :)

So, today has been "nothing much and quite a lot" at the same time.


Other than today... well... it has been work work work and some studies. I am getting my studies done in schedule, visited doctor's yesterday and am waiting for an operation for my right hand wrist. AND have only three more night sifts before my winter holiday! That is something to look forwards!


One more thing... Lotta will have puppies. On the March 8 th is the due date. So that is exciting!!