Another post on being childless - even while pregnant

Yes, the pets are our babies as well... :)

28 weeks of pregnancy already behind. Makes it all seem brighter, doesn't it. There is a good chance that the babies would survive, even if they were born right  now. And every day adds to the possibility that they would end up being just fine. So, I am glad and hopeful and we rejoice of the fact that our babies seem to do well.

However, I wish I do not sound bitter, I am having plenty of dissonant thoughts.

I am so happy and grateful for all the people who have really supported us and rejoiced with us about these babies. Especially with other mothers - old and young - I feel like I have entered some kind of amazing universal sisterhood. And it feels good, it sure does! However, at the same time there is this childless woman in me, no matter how pregnant I am. The childless-me ponders: "so this is what I have been missing out all these years..." And that part of me weeps with all the other women who still struggle with the process of whether they will have a child or not... and with those who already know, they will never have a child of their own. Of course, there are those who chose it to be that way, and that's ok. But there are so many who did not choose that fate.


With these thoughts I feel like I belong to two groups: mothers and unvoluntarily childless women. And at the same time, I feel I do not belong to either one of them. I am about to have two children - so, I do not dare to call myself childless. I have no clue what a woman has to go through after the final verdict, "you will never have a child", has been said. Nor can I enter the starry-eyed group of happy mom's who took it for granted that they'd have their share of babies. I am somewhere inbetween, with the other moms who have experienced the same: having a child does not heal you from being childless. As strange as it may sound.

Maybe it is because of this in-between-feeling that makes me somewhat touchy about some comments people make. So often I do not even find the words to answer their remarks (I know, it's hard to believe that I may end up being speechless :D at some situations...) and then I keep up entertaining the "should-have-said-dialog" in my head for days and weeks after.

For example, this one lady we know from the church, was very happy to hear we are expecting babies. We met her at a parking lot by a local store and she congratulated us fullheartedly. She knew about our history of wanting children for a long time, and she asked if these were IVF-children. That question is an easy one for me to answer, I do not care telling. Many find that question in itself offending. However, as I know how many feel about asking such a thing, I was not happy about the casual way she chatted about it. Right after she went on and asked us: "are the babies made of  your own stuff or did you use a donor?" I was stupified. WHAT KIND OF A QUESTION IS THAT? Yes, they happen to be made of our own "stuff", but even if they were not, did she really think I would tell it there and then to her??? That is not something you ask casually. That is not something you ask AT ALL. If someone wants to share, they'll tell you when they want. With a faltering tongue I just answered, "they are out of our own cells." My husband was more at the point, laughed and said, "no, we asked N.N. (a name of a common male friend) to help out a bit."

And since that I have thought of a million things I should have said. I should have told her how I felt and how one should talk to people who have gone through similar things we have. I doubt she will ever end up reading this blog, but in case I am wrong, I want her to know, I am not angry at her. I just wish I had told her (and doubt I will ever have the guts to go and do so anymore...), and to make up my failure to "educate" her, I share this with all of you who might read. :D

Järjettömän hyvä näkkäriresepti

Jotakin piti tehdä - ja tein näkkilepiä. Kauneutta niille ei siunaantunut, mutta uskomattoman HYVIÄ niistä tuli.

Tarkoituksena oli saada näkkärit valmiiksi ennen kuin Roope tulee töistä, mutta se ei aivan onnistunut. Luulin nimittäin Roopen pääsevän vasta tuntia myöhemmin, mitä hän oikeasti pääsi. :) No, tuoksu sentään oli jo vastassa, eikä kauaa kestänyt siihen, että ensimmäisiä leipiä rouskuteltiin. Kunnolla nuo eivät kyllä ehdi kuivamaan, tulevat nimittäin varmasti syödyiksi melko reippaaseen tahtiin.


Jos jotakuta innostaa kokeilla, niin tässäpä on ohje. Jostain sen pohjan löysin, mutta muuntelin sitä heti oman mieleni mukaan. Tee sinä samoin, jos siltä tuntuu.

Ruis-speltti-näkkileipä
½ dl sulatettua voita
1½tl suolaa
1 rkl juoksevaa hunajaa
2½dl kylmää vettä
1 dl speltti mannaryynejä
2 dl ruisjauhoja
3 dl vehnäjauhoja

Sekoittelin ainekset tuossa järjestyksessä muovikulhossa, ensin lusikan avulla, sitten käsin taikinaa vaivaten.Taikinasta tulee todella tiivis pallo. Siitä sitten vain kaulimaan todella ohkaisia levyjä. Itse yritin hienostella painelemalla muodon luun muotoisella piparimuotilla ja kuvioimalla pintaa lihanuijalla. 25 luuta ja koirille pienet maistiaiset, sen verran taikinasta tuli.

Paistaminen tapahtui reilu 220 asteisessa uunissa 7 minuutin ajan. Sitten jäähdyttelin leivät korissa avoimen ikkunan äärellä (kun oli kiire päästä syömään).

Näitä söi isäntä, näitä söi emäntä ja koirat valuttivat kuolaa (ja saivat maistiaiset) kohtuullisen paljon vieressä.

Blabber...

It was snowing this morning. Actually it would have been really beautiful - if I just could have enjoyed it. We have quite a few things we still need to get done outside before the winter comes in its full force, and therefore I spent the morning hoping it won't snow too much and that the snow would not stay for too long.

But it WAS a beautiful morning. After a while the snow stopped falling and we went outside to take care of the animals and to do a few other things. The light was amazing and I even thought of getting the camera out - but it was only a thought. The chores took over and I forgot about admiring my surroundings. In the afternoon, however, the camera finally got out, as we saw a woodpecker doing her job in a nearby birch. The tree she was working on is one of the high nearby birches that were scorched by lightning last summer.

As I was guessing the last time I wrote, the days at work were almost done. On the 25. week of pregnancy the doctor wrote me 1 ½ weeks of sick leave because of sciatica (I guess that is the right word for this kind of pain in my back) and contractions. The latter have not been very painful nor very strong - however, they clearly come always after I have been up and about too much. After that 1 ½ weeks I had another doctor's appointment - and that doctor wrote me off work until the mothernity leave begins. The reasons still being the same and adding high blood pressure to the list. Other than these minor problems, everything is just fine.

On Saturday evening I had a chance to go and listen to VIP  (their myspace page, if youd' like to listen something) playing at Ilmajoki, a small city some 40 km from us. It was nice to see Roope and his band on stage after a long time. So many times they have had their concerts so far away from here that I have had to stay at home - or I have been working if they have played nearby. I must admit that I do really enjoy their music. Even I DID feel a bit old there among all the young people. Hey, it's hard to admit, but I surely am not anymore among the target audience of a youth event...

Nowadays I do very little. If I try to accomplish too much, it is felt as a pain in the evening and the next day. So I try to get things done VERY little at the time and try to forgive myself for just resting and napping and resting some more. Such life allows one to do a lot of thinking. However, most of the thoughts circle around the babies and the things they need. I am becoming very boring regarding the topics I entertain in my mind...

Today

September morning 7.30 AM - I was going to work and the morning fog made everything beautiful.

 

First of all, THANK YOU everyone for all the comments and thoughts you have shared with me. I was surprised to find out how many people actually DO end up reading this blog. Thanks for the e-mails and honest sharing. We really do not know that much what happens in people's lives, do we? I feel honored that so many shared their thoughts in private mails with me after the last posts! Thanks for the comments here as well. :) They are equally valued.

And then a message to -J-
Jos tänne joskus uudelleen eksyt ja koska olet varmaankin se ihminen, jonka luulen sinun olevan, niin olisin todella ilahtunut, jos joskus kuulisin sinun elämäsi uutisia. Siitä on jo todella kauan, kun viimeksi kuulin sinusta mitään. Toivottavasti kaikki on hyvin ja olet onnellinen! Minut löytää täältä ja Facebookista ainakin. :)


Now, today's news.

I must admit that I count days and weeks. Full 24 weeks of pregnancy is behind just today. I feel like a medium size elephant and expect to grow into a full size blue whale. However, I have been doing really well and have been able to keep working. Until last week, that is. Twice there has been a day that I could not even stand, let alone walk, well without pain. Both times the previous day was a long day with lot of standing. Seems like my days at work are almost done for now. Today I have a day off, that is brilliant.

I wish I could tell about many things I have done lately. Maybe share a few deep thoughts I managed to dig out of my brain - but I can't. I am all about being a pregnant woman, thinking of the two babies growing inside. I find it a bit disturbing that all my thoughts linger around this one and only topic, all my worries have to do with how we'll manage our lives with the babies, how shall we run things and how will it be.

As there isn't much that I can think of saying. Let me show you some pictures of our life. Hope you see something you like!

Roope had a true dream holiday this summer. He had this... eh, is it a backhoe?... machine for two weeks and was able to dig holes, move dirt, and do, well, all kinds of things in our yard.

Thank you IKEA for making green cribs - I did not have to paint them. We bought these and some other stuff on our trip to Southern Finland this summer.

We bought the cribs for the babies - but the cats do not agree.

Just wanted to show you this. Iguana and cats speak the same language. Hissing sound and wobbling tail means the same for both. So there is mutual respect as they roam around. :)

And when the summer comes to its end, myriads of these flying ants come and fight each other for their lives. Why? Have no clue. Everything white is covered with them. Their wings together make it sound like it was raining.

This is our donkey, Pelle. We all take it easy here. :)