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| Yes, the pets are our babies as well... :) |
However, I wish I do not sound bitter, I am having plenty of dissonant thoughts.
I am so happy and grateful for all the people who have really supported us and rejoiced with us about these babies. Especially with other mothers - old and young - I feel like I have entered some kind of amazing universal sisterhood. And it feels good, it sure does! However, at the same time there is this childless woman in me, no matter how pregnant I am. The childless-me ponders: "so this is what I have been missing out all these years..." And that part of me weeps with all the other women who still struggle with the process of whether they will have a child or not... and with those who already know, they will never have a child of their own. Of course, there are those who chose it to be that way, and that's ok. But there are so many who did not choose that fate.
With these thoughts I feel like I belong to two groups: mothers and unvoluntarily childless women. And at the same time, I feel I do not belong to either one of them. I am about to have two children - so, I do not dare to call myself childless. I have no clue what a woman has to go through after the final verdict, "you will never have a child", has been said. Nor can I enter the starry-eyed group of happy mom's who took it for granted that they'd have their share of babies. I am somewhere inbetween, with the other moms who have experienced the same: having a child does not heal you from being childless. As strange as it may sound.
Maybe it is because of this in-between-feeling that makes me somewhat touchy about some comments people make. So often I do not even find the words to answer their remarks (I know, it's hard to believe that I may end up being speechless :D at some situations...) and then I keep up entertaining the "should-have-said-dialog" in my head for days and weeks after.
For example, this one lady we know from the church, was very happy to hear we are expecting babies. We met her at a parking lot by a local store and she congratulated us fullheartedly. She knew about our history of wanting children for a long time, and she asked if these were IVF-children. That question is an easy one for me to answer, I do not care telling. Many find that question in itself offending. However, as I know how many feel about asking such a thing, I was not happy about the casual way she chatted about it. Right after she went on and asked us: "are the babies made of your own stuff or did you use a donor?" I was stupified. WHAT KIND OF A QUESTION IS THAT? Yes, they happen to be made of our own "stuff", but even if they were not, did she really think I would tell it there and then to her??? That is not something you ask casually. That is not something you ask AT ALL. If someone wants to share, they'll tell you when they want. With a faltering tongue I just answered, "they are out of our own cells." My husband was more at the point, laughed and said, "no, we asked N.N. (a name of a common male friend) to help out a bit."
And since that I have thought of a million things I should have said. I should have told her how I felt and how one should talk to people who have gone through similar things we have. I doubt she will ever end up reading this blog, but in case I am wrong, I want her to know, I am not angry at her. I just wish I had told her (and doubt I will ever have the guts to go and do so anymore...), and to make up my failure to "educate" her, I share this with all of you who might read. :D
1 comment:
Since I'm in the same boat, I know almost exactly how you feel. I've had a very hard time relating to the "happy mommies" who never had a care in the world and were so excited to be pregnant, blah blah blah. I've had a hard time sharing in it. They haven't held their breath every day for the first 28 weeks wondering if this is the day their baby will miscarry or be stillborn. They didn't go through years (and years) of emptiness, grief, bitterness, anger, hopelessness, wondering why everyone else could get pregnant at the drop of a hat but despite years of expensive and painful treatments, they couldn't. They haven't had to wonder if God could possibly exist at all, or why he seemed to not love them at all.
We're now at 33+ wks and only in the last few weeks have I actually DARED TO BE HAPPY and believe that this is actually going to happen. I still don't feel like a pregnant woman, and identify more with the other infertile women in my support group; a support group I no longer get to be part of, since the presence of my stomach, of my pregnancy, would cause suffering to the others.
If there is one thing I've learned through this process, is never to ask anyone about their reproductive choices. Never to stick my nose thoughtlessly into one of the most private and most painful areas of a person's/couple's life. People will share what (and if) they're ready to share, or you may never know why they have or don't have kids, or how they came about. In any case, even if you mean well, it's "not your business" and you can carelessly, unintentionally cause an already wounded person additional torment.
I wish you had been able to say something at the time to this woman, but I understand how stunned and shocked you must have been for someone to be so callous!
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